Last night was my night for sure. My night where I think ( and hope) I hit rock bottom. My heart was filled with so much sadness, guilt, and hopelessness. And the scariest part...it came out of no where. Well almost no where.
Hubby and I had a great weekend! Saturday we went to a 90th birthday party for my aunt's father in law and there were 2 babies and a 2 year old. It was hard. Even harder because there not really my family so I felt like I couldn't even fully enjoy the little ones. I just had that feeling in my heart all day " that should be me". So that night we went to my best friends mother's 50th birthday party. I figured it would be a fun adult night out. Fun it was, but sitting at the table right next to us, a beautiful baby boy. I watched his mom love him and his grandpa and grandma hold and adore him and again I thought " that should be me." So Sunday comes and they dedicate a baby into the church. I was within a millimeter of losing it, the family was young like my husband and I and had a beautiful baby girl and I couldn't help but think " that should be me". My husband, knowing me perfectly, reached for my hand and pulled me back from the brink of a meltdown. Sunday we had a wonderful day after church, Hubby went for a bike ride which is something he loves and I went and spent some time with my mom and step dad. After wards the 4 of us went to Souplantation and had a wonderful meal. We came home to a broken projection lamp on our TV so I watched all my Sunday night shows in our room on the little TV. I was watching " Rock of Love" ( yes I am embarrassed to admit that :) and every negative sad depressing thought came into my head...
First off I should back track a little as my last post bragged how wonderful my husband was and I never told you why! Well my birthday is coming up in the beginning of April and the other night we sat down and talked and he told me" I thought about a lot of things for your birthday, possibly a trip, maybe Disneyland, but I know that what you want more than anything is a baby so my birthday gift to you is IVF." I cried so hard. IVF is something I never thought we would be able to do because of costs and for my husband to offer such a huge sacrifice ( oh yeah he also offered to sell his car to help cover the costs) I just felt beyond what words could explain. He knows me so well, he knows my heart and always gives me his best. I was so excited ! SO EXCITED! I had already finished up with AF so knew it would be a month or so until starting but none the less I was over joyed.
Then Sunday church was all about having faith in God. Mark 11:22 " And Jesus answered them and said " Have faith in God" It's as simple and as difficult as that. So I left church with a heavy heart. As much as I want to do IVF I don't know if that is what God wants for us. Maybe He does, maybe He doesn't, I don't know. I don't feel 100% confident going forward with IVF, but I also want to so bad as I know its our best chance at having a healthy pregnancy and baby.
So last night as I was sitting in bed watching Brett Michael's in all of his ridiculousness I lost it. I cried so hard and felt every burden I have ever felt pouring down on me. I felt so bad for the oldest of mistakes. For moving into a 2 bedroom apartment when we only needed a 1 bedroom we could have been saving that money. I felt bad for spending so much on our wedding and felt like if we would have taken the money we could have paid for 2 IVF cycles. I felt horrible for the debt I had encountered that my husband so endearingly paid off so that together we could be debt free. I felt bad for the $7 dollar sweater I bought the other day. I felt horrible for planning a girls get away to Vegas when my husband was busting his ass every day to be able to give us the gift of doing IVF. I felt bad for still being in school and having to pay for that...I felt bad for just about every mistake I have made in the past 4 years. Looking back on it all I feel so stupid and so foolish for all those stupid mistakes and now I found myself wanting something so badly and not wanting to make another mistake. Is IVF a mistake and not trusting God? Or is it sent by the Lord to help us have a baby? I don't know...I have no idea.
My husband came in and just hugged me and loved me and assured me that it was OK and neither of us is perfect and he just said everything perfectly that I needed to hear. I felt about as good as I could coming out of it. I still feel completely confused and unsure. Also I am scared. If IVF #1 doesn't work. If we spend $10 grand and it doesn't work, where does that leave us? Broke and baby less and that I don't think I could handle.
*sigh* I needed to vent. I don't know if I feel better but I need to go make some dinner. I am on spring break and promised hubby I would be the perfect wife this week! So the laundry is just finishing up, the house spotless and I'm getting ready to make a healthy turkey meat loaf!
If your still reading, thanks for listening :) If not I understand one can only handle so much hopelessness in one day....
Hubby and I had a great weekend! Saturday we went to a 90th birthday party for my aunt's father in law and there were 2 babies and a 2 year old. It was hard. Even harder because there not really my family so I felt like I couldn't even fully enjoy the little ones. I just had that feeling in my heart all day " that should be me". So that night we went to my best friends mother's 50th birthday party. I figured it would be a fun adult night out. Fun it was, but sitting at the table right next to us, a beautiful baby boy. I watched his mom love him and his grandpa and grandma hold and adore him and again I thought " that should be me." So Sunday comes and they dedicate a baby into the church. I was within a millimeter of losing it, the family was young like my husband and I and had a beautiful baby girl and I couldn't help but think " that should be me". My husband, knowing me perfectly, reached for my hand and pulled me back from the brink of a meltdown. Sunday we had a wonderful day after church, Hubby went for a bike ride which is something he loves and I went and spent some time with my mom and step dad. After wards the 4 of us went to Souplantation and had a wonderful meal. We came home to a broken projection lamp on our TV so I watched all my Sunday night shows in our room on the little TV. I was watching " Rock of Love" ( yes I am embarrassed to admit that :) and every negative sad depressing thought came into my head...
First off I should back track a little as my last post bragged how wonderful my husband was and I never told you why! Well my birthday is coming up in the beginning of April and the other night we sat down and talked and he told me" I thought about a lot of things for your birthday, possibly a trip, maybe Disneyland, but I know that what you want more than anything is a baby so my birthday gift to you is IVF." I cried so hard. IVF is something I never thought we would be able to do because of costs and for my husband to offer such a huge sacrifice ( oh yeah he also offered to sell his car to help cover the costs) I just felt beyond what words could explain. He knows me so well, he knows my heart and always gives me his best. I was so excited ! SO EXCITED! I had already finished up with AF so knew it would be a month or so until starting but none the less I was over joyed.
Then Sunday church was all about having faith in God. Mark 11:22 " And Jesus answered them and said " Have faith in God" It's as simple and as difficult as that. So I left church with a heavy heart. As much as I want to do IVF I don't know if that is what God wants for us. Maybe He does, maybe He doesn't, I don't know. I don't feel 100% confident going forward with IVF, but I also want to so bad as I know its our best chance at having a healthy pregnancy and baby.
So last night as I was sitting in bed watching Brett Michael's in all of his ridiculousness I lost it. I cried so hard and felt every burden I have ever felt pouring down on me. I felt so bad for the oldest of mistakes. For moving into a 2 bedroom apartment when we only needed a 1 bedroom we could have been saving that money. I felt bad for spending so much on our wedding and felt like if we would have taken the money we could have paid for 2 IVF cycles. I felt horrible for the debt I had encountered that my husband so endearingly paid off so that together we could be debt free. I felt bad for the $7 dollar sweater I bought the other day. I felt horrible for planning a girls get away to Vegas when my husband was busting his ass every day to be able to give us the gift of doing IVF. I felt bad for still being in school and having to pay for that...I felt bad for just about every mistake I have made in the past 4 years. Looking back on it all I feel so stupid and so foolish for all those stupid mistakes and now I found myself wanting something so badly and not wanting to make another mistake. Is IVF a mistake and not trusting God? Or is it sent by the Lord to help us have a baby? I don't know...I have no idea.
My husband came in and just hugged me and loved me and assured me that it was OK and neither of us is perfect and he just said everything perfectly that I needed to hear. I felt about as good as I could coming out of it. I still feel completely confused and unsure. Also I am scared. If IVF #1 doesn't work. If we spend $10 grand and it doesn't work, where does that leave us? Broke and baby less and that I don't think I could handle.
*sigh* I needed to vent. I don't know if I feel better but I need to go make some dinner. I am on spring break and promised hubby I would be the perfect wife this week! So the laundry is just finishing up, the house spotless and I'm getting ready to make a healthy turkey meat loaf!
If your still reading, thanks for listening :) If not I understand one can only handle so much hopelessness in one day....
13 comments:
Oh girl. I've had those ugly cries too. Believe me you are not alone. We all have those moments when we lose it. Just trust in God and ask him for guidance, but what I am learning that if I ask, I have to be still enough to listen.
I hope you have a good week and get the answers you are looking for soon.
Hey girl! You are so awesome!
You deserve to be happy. You deserve the perfect family. Just hang in there....you know it will all work in God's timing. just give it to Him. I am praying for you and your hubby and I hope that ya'll come to the perfect decision! My life has been a little different than yours....I married my high school sweetheart, who went into the marine corps and began to cheat on me over and over... after 5 years of marriage (and a miscarriage) I divorced him. I have met a super awesome guy who I love very much...my problem is now I am turning 28 this year...I don't want to rush into anything, but I want to be prego before I am 30....but what if I wait and then when I do try to get prego, I miscarry again??? or what if I can't get prego at all???
Okay enough of my ranting....
You are an amazing woman! and your hubby is amazing for offering you IVF for your birthday!
Everything will work out...hang in there, keep your chin up! and have a super fantastic spring break!!!!
~Abigail
Awwww, sweetie, I wish I could give you a hug. I'm so sorry. It's completely natural to have all those feelings. I've been there, too. It's not fair.
That's great about the IVF! I feel like I was in your exact position. I didn't want to do IVF at all. We were totally against it. Then God changed our hearts. Listen to your heart. If you're having doubts, there's a reason. You'll know when it's the right thing to do sweetie. (((HUGS)))
I nominated for you for an award! See my blog. :)
Hang in there and try to enjoy your spring break. Sending lots of hugs your way!
I am sure you and your husband have probably discussed this, but if you haven't, consider praying about adopting a child who would love to have two amazing, God-fearing parents.
http://www.awaa.org/stories/thedesireofmyheart.aspx
Oh man, I know just what you are going through!! If only we had a crystal ball a year ago; I wouldn't have let my hubby buy that classic camaro, I wouldn't have quit my higher paying job, I wouldn't have gone on vacation. It sucks! But I am right in the middle of my first IVF and those fears and regrets turn into excitement and hope!
Answer to your earlier question: I am on Follistim/Gonal-F (same thing basically), low dose HCG, and Ganarelix.
I am so sad that you had such a rotten day, but excited for you in the months to come!!!!!
Im so sorry you had a meltdown but it happens to all of us- sometimes I think that the tears cleanse the soul. (((hugs)))
I will pray for you that you find peace with whatever decision you make regarding your IF journey. Hang in there!
Hey girly,
Firstly great big hugs to you! Secondly don't feel bad about things like school, a beautiful wedding, a fun trip. Those are part of your life and you can't regret events and things in your life like that. Try and not look at your life in regret or in a way that makes you feel badly. That is not what life is about.
As far as what God wants....I don't have that answer. My DH always prays to God to provide him guidance when he doesn't know what to do. That's what I suggest. Something will make itself known as his plan. Trust in the Lord and you will receive an answer. I do think it's interesting that it's now an option and it wasn't before. That may be a step down your new path. :)
Hang in there. God does want you to have kids. And i believe you will! I'm thinking of you. My heart goes out to you and it aches with you. I can feel the pain you're in and I know it too. Hang in there. Believe, pray, love yourself and know you are worthy and will have a baby.
:) Kitty
Oh Heather my heart goes out to you! I wish I could say something to make you feel better . . . I'm always here for you if you need to vent or cry or anything!
Marin
I'm sorry hon ((hugs))
You are entitled to a meltdown so vent all you need to. Sounds like both you and your husband are very lucky to have each other. I'm glad you have him to turn to in these tough times.
I have many of those same feelings. I've only ever had one option...and that is IVF. I'm in the process now of getting prescreened.
You are very lucky to have a husband like that. He sounds so awesome. My husband is trying to keep my head on straight...
The IVF program we are doing has a money back guarantee...the only trick is, if it works on the first try, we way way way over paid. But we have a guarantee, if it doesn't work out, we can have our money back to put towards an adoption.
I hope you start mentally feeling better soon. Good luck to you.
First of all, I too watch Rock of Love...I can't help myself either. And I get emotional when I hear those girls talk about their kids at home. Um....wow, these girls get children and I don't? That is all I can think of watching that show. We have so much love and security to offer a child and wouldn't leave them for weeks to go ride a bus with a has been. Uggh!
So I know what you mean sister. It is hard to deal with and very emotional. You are blessed to have such and understanding and supportive husband. I believe that you will have your prayers answered. I want to wish you the best of luck!
Post a Comment