Wow. 100 posts...today. Of all days , on a day I actually have sometime constructive to say :) That works out well. This blog has reached 100 post much faster than my family blog. I guess the life of infertility often has much more feelings, emotions, ups and downs than real life. Yes you read that real life. To me I have two lives. One life is perfect. I'm graduating college, am married to the most incredible man on the planet, I have a great family, the best of friends and life is pretty close to perfect on that side of things. But my other life is the life of a infertile. The side that wakes up every morning with an empty heart and no baby to hold. The side that cringes at every pregnant women I see and the side where my heart breaks a little more every time I hear another pregnancy announcement. It's two completely different lives put into the same world. I just wake up each morning and pick the life I want to live for the day.
Yesterday I lived the life of a infertile. I woke up crying. I spent about the next 6 hours with tears flowing from my eyes ( minus lunch with my Dad! Thank you Dad!). I turned down all plans for the day, closed all the blinds, bundled up on the couch and laid there all day. (OK wait I did get on Facebook and check blogs but outside of that you know what I mean ;) I felt so so sad yesterday. So empty and so broken from this journey. Which is a far cry of how I felt on Tuesday. That's the funny thing about being infertile. The highs are so high and so full of hope, but the lows, they are beyond the depths of the deepest sea low and so full of despair.
Tuesday night hubby and I went over all the papers from our prospective adoption lawyer. Sadly it just didn't feel right. It has absolutely nothing to do with the lawyer, in fact she seems to be pretty amazing, quick to respond , and is a christian which is a definite plus for us, but still something wasn't right. So I cancelled our appointment with her. It broke my heart to do that but how can we jump into something without first checking out all our options? And of course the main part was the true cost of adoption . I always thought domestic adoptions weren't that expensive. I always felt it was when you adopted out of the country that you were spending you $20 grand plus, but I was sadly wrong. Domestic adoption is around $20 grand as well. Which is where I of course find a flaw in the system. You have all these amazing wonderful people who want to become parents, yet you put them through the ringer both emotionally and financially. I don't get that we ( as in all future adoptive parents) are adopting a child who otherwise would not have a safe loving home to come home to. We want to give this child a safe loving nurturing home , yet you charge us $20 grand. My other major issue that came to light when reading the fine print of the contract with the lawyer was the fact that if the birth mother changes her mind we get no money back. Now trust me I understand this, work is work by the lawyer rather the birth mom changes her mind or not. But what I don't understand is lets say we end up giving the birth mom $8000 to help her with cost of living, then she changes her mind after the baby is born. We have basically just financially supported random stranger for X amount of months for nothing. Wouldn't all birth moms do that then? Wouldn't they want someone to take care of them financially all the while knowing they have no intention of giving their baby up for adoption? I don't know its just all those thoughts and fears that creep into my head.
I think the hardest part of adoption to me is the fact that I feel like our baby is out there. Like I am searching for this child and the only thing keeping her from me is money. I think about her, I dream about her, hubby and I refer to her by name now. She is a person who we whole heartily love unconditionally and we have never met her! It seems crazy and illogical but in our world it makes perfect sense to love our daughter so much. ( BTW I say daughter because that is just what I have always seen for us when I think adoption. But we are 110% open to whatever the Lord has in store for us)
So yesterday in the midst of my grieving hubby called to tell me how much he loved me and not to worry that we will make a way no matter what. He's amazing...really he is.
I decided I needed to spend the day in prayer. You see in our journey I want the Lord to be glorified in EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. Not the lawyer, not the birth mother, not us, but GOD. I want every step to be obvious to our family and to the world that it was given by God and created by God and could not have happened without God. I honestly wanted to blog how perfect everything is but I realized that is fake, God can be glorified in all types of feelings and emotions so to pretend I didn't feel sad yesterday would be taking glory away from HIM who made me happy today!
I love how the Lord speaks to me lately. Its this indisputable feeling in my heart. Example; when we truly realized the cost of adoption I was like " Forget it we'll just do I.V.F it's cheaper anyways" And the Lord gave me one of my favorite church songs by Chris Tomlin.
Key words: Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
I am waiting upon the Lord and daily my strength is rising. When I want to give up I sing this song and know that my strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord. He is wonderful and faithful. When I a grow weary, HE doesn't. When I feel broken, HE isn't. I know HE is carrying me right now and creating a whole new wonderful woman inside of me.
Our baby is out there and in HIS perfect timing GOD will lead her straight to us.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Our God you reign forever
Our hope our strong deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
Your the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles
Yesterday I lived the life of a infertile. I woke up crying. I spent about the next 6 hours with tears flowing from my eyes ( minus lunch with my Dad! Thank you Dad!). I turned down all plans for the day, closed all the blinds, bundled up on the couch and laid there all day. (OK wait I did get on Facebook and check blogs but outside of that you know what I mean ;) I felt so so sad yesterday. So empty and so broken from this journey. Which is a far cry of how I felt on Tuesday. That's the funny thing about being infertile. The highs are so high and so full of hope, but the lows, they are beyond the depths of the deepest sea low and so full of despair.
Tuesday night hubby and I went over all the papers from our prospective adoption lawyer. Sadly it just didn't feel right. It has absolutely nothing to do with the lawyer, in fact she seems to be pretty amazing, quick to respond , and is a christian which is a definite plus for us, but still something wasn't right. So I cancelled our appointment with her. It broke my heart to do that but how can we jump into something without first checking out all our options? And of course the main part was the true cost of adoption . I always thought domestic adoptions weren't that expensive. I always felt it was when you adopted out of the country that you were spending you $20 grand plus, but I was sadly wrong. Domestic adoption is around $20 grand as well. Which is where I of course find a flaw in the system. You have all these amazing wonderful people who want to become parents, yet you put them through the ringer both emotionally and financially. I don't get that we ( as in all future adoptive parents) are adopting a child who otherwise would not have a safe loving home to come home to. We want to give this child a safe loving nurturing home , yet you charge us $20 grand. My other major issue that came to light when reading the fine print of the contract with the lawyer was the fact that if the birth mother changes her mind we get no money back. Now trust me I understand this, work is work by the lawyer rather the birth mom changes her mind or not. But what I don't understand is lets say we end up giving the birth mom $8000 to help her with cost of living, then she changes her mind after the baby is born. We have basically just financially supported random stranger for X amount of months for nothing. Wouldn't all birth moms do that then? Wouldn't they want someone to take care of them financially all the while knowing they have no intention of giving their baby up for adoption? I don't know its just all those thoughts and fears that creep into my head.
I think the hardest part of adoption to me is the fact that I feel like our baby is out there. Like I am searching for this child and the only thing keeping her from me is money. I think about her, I dream about her, hubby and I refer to her by name now. She is a person who we whole heartily love unconditionally and we have never met her! It seems crazy and illogical but in our world it makes perfect sense to love our daughter so much. ( BTW I say daughter because that is just what I have always seen for us when I think adoption. But we are 110% open to whatever the Lord has in store for us)
So yesterday in the midst of my grieving hubby called to tell me how much he loved me and not to worry that we will make a way no matter what. He's amazing...really he is.
I decided I needed to spend the day in prayer. You see in our journey I want the Lord to be glorified in EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. Not the lawyer, not the birth mother, not us, but GOD. I want every step to be obvious to our family and to the world that it was given by God and created by God and could not have happened without God. I honestly wanted to blog how perfect everything is but I realized that is fake, God can be glorified in all types of feelings and emotions so to pretend I didn't feel sad yesterday would be taking glory away from HIM who made me happy today!
I love how the Lord speaks to me lately. Its this indisputable feeling in my heart. Example; when we truly realized the cost of adoption I was like " Forget it we'll just do I.V.F it's cheaper anyways" And the Lord gave me one of my favorite church songs by Chris Tomlin.
Key words: Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
I am waiting upon the Lord and daily my strength is rising. When I want to give up I sing this song and know that my strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord. He is wonderful and faithful. When I a grow weary, HE doesn't. When I feel broken, HE isn't. I know HE is carrying me right now and creating a whole new wonderful woman inside of me.
Our baby is out there and in HIS perfect timing GOD will lead her straight to us.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Our God you reign forever
Our hope our strong deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
Your the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles
14 comments:
honestly I think that was your best post ever, it was very beautiful. Your right your baby IS out there, and you just have to have strength in God and trust in his timing(I know thats easier said that done though!)
Its too bad that domestic adoption is so expensive in the States. In Canada all we have to do is take a course and be approved in our home study and thats it, there are no costs involved. Its great, because like you said there are so many children out there waiting for a family to adopt them, so why make it so difficult for the average family to adopt??
Im praying for you!
Excellent post. Thanks for sharing. I know there are so many out there feeling the same way. Adoption is just as tough as IVF if not more difficult from the stories I read and hear about (at least I think it is). I LOVE the fact that you are focusing on God's plan and wanting to give him the glory. Your baby is out there and He does have a plan for you.
This is a beautiful post, thank you for sharing! I know your baby is out there and by giving God control during this journey, you are certainly giving all the glory to him! I will continue to pray for you!
IF is a tough road, but I truly believe that it has made me a stronger person...just like the song says. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt post and reminding us to wait on God's timing!
Very beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))
I could've written this post myself one year ago. The fear of the unknown...the cost, the potential failed adoption, the questions of how it will all work, the "stranger" giving you her baby or potentially taking it back, the worry about getting "ripped off" by someone in the adoption field, the wondering just how long all of this is going to take, the fear of family/friends not accepting your child or way of building your family, the decisions regarding open or closed....it can be so overwhelming and you just want a baby. you don't want to have to make more decisions, fork over more money, or risk getting your heartbroken any more than it has been through infertility. You JUST WANT A BABY!!
But...sitting here on the other side...I promise you it is all 100% worth it, every fear, every question, every concern, every unknown...it is worth the journey. When you ask the Lord to direct your steps, and you let Him, He will protect you. I'm not saying He won't allow you heartache along the way (but I hope not!), but He will protect you in the process. He will never leave you or forsake you...especially when He's called you to do something.
Thanks for sharing your heart. I like to keep it real, too.
I LOVE that Chris Tomlin song - it's one of my favorites, too, and such an encouragement to me through all the agonizing waiting that infertility brings. I pray that if adoption is the plan God has for you, that He flings open doors to make that possible, financially and emotionally. Oh, and congrats on 100 posts!! I appreciate your honesty and openness.
Wow...thanks for that post...IF has brought out things in me I never knew were there (and some things were better off in there!) :o) I definitely feel your pain...and your hope.
Praying for you!
Have you heard the song by Mark Shultz "He will carry me"? It's a beautiful song. It brought me strength through a very hard time because the words are so powerful. If you have time, you should look it up. I'll be praying for you.
Hey, got to your blog from Kim's. I saw your comment and jumped on over. First, in the states if you adopt through the system it is free. Second, with our adoption agency if it's a failed adoption the money can be moved to another placement, you don't lose that money you've paid. Private adoption is usually more expensive.
Sorry if you didn't really want answers to those questions, you may have been just wanting to vent a bit. Just thought that might be helpful. Praying for you in this journey...once you make it you'll realize how everything was worth it and you'll want to do it all again. It's such an incredible spiritual journey!
Oops, just realized I was signed in to my other blog. Here's my family blog! Sorry I wasn't paying attention!
Great post =)
Congrats on your 100th!
Thanks for sharing that song with those of us who haven't heard it. Great song! If only the "waiting on the Lord" part was easier...
Hello, I found your blog through another's blog. My husband and I adopted our miracle son last October and I am now expecting. I just had to comment because this post was so beautifully written and it touched my heart. I saw so much of myself in what you wrote. I too wanted my story and my journey to glorify the Lord more than anything. And I believe because of our miraculous adoption he was glorified. For two years I cried every time I sang, "Strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord," and I still cry today as all the feelings are a part of me. But now I see God's perfect plan was to bring Samuel (named after 1 Samuel 1:27 which you also blogged about!) into our lives all along. It was just so painful in the wait.
Our adoption cost $7,000. I pray God leads you to an agency and attorney that will cost you much less than $20k. I look forward to following your journey!
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