Today is a good day. Not gonna try and say its not but I have lots of thoughts and lots of blog posts yet so many thoughts are unrelatable so we'll start with this one...
Last Saturday while in Wisconsin with my in laws, the women of the family went to see Julie and Julia. You know the story about Julia Child's, the famous cook, and her dear admirer Julie. To sum it up in a few words the movie was about cooking and blogging .
But I noticed early on in the movie Julia stare extra long at the baby carriage that passed her by on the streets of Paris as her husband lovingly kissed her on the hand.
Then later in the movie, a letter in the mail came saying her sister was expecting a baby. She broke down in the arms of her husband while saying how happy she was for her sister.
I wondered if anyone noticed these scenes. Sitting beside me was my sister in law, a mother of 4 wonderful boys, then in front of me my mother in law who had 6 children and next to her my other sister in law who has a beautiful daughter and another one on the way. And I wondered if anyone even realized what was going on.
I know I did.
I'm infertile.
And while I don't know the story of Julia Child's I felt her tears and her sadness as she cried for the baby she never had.
Even now, my heart is overwhelmed with the love I already have for the child we are going to adopt. I dream about her every second of every day. I pray for her and her birth mother and their journey to finding us. I love her beyond any feeling I have ever known and then I wonder does the pain of being infertile ever stop? Will I always notice the baby bump on other women and feel a little sad for myself? Will I see the newborn in his mother's arms and wonder what its like?
I don't know but I do know that God is good. I know that HE knows perfectly the plans HE has made for my life. And while today my empty arms ache for the child I have yet to meet I can relax knowing God has already met her and as we speak she is on her journey to us.
Last Saturday while in Wisconsin with my in laws, the women of the family went to see Julie and Julia. You know the story about Julia Child's, the famous cook, and her dear admirer Julie. To sum it up in a few words the movie was about cooking and blogging .
But I noticed early on in the movie Julia stare extra long at the baby carriage that passed her by on the streets of Paris as her husband lovingly kissed her on the hand.
Then later in the movie, a letter in the mail came saying her sister was expecting a baby. She broke down in the arms of her husband while saying how happy she was for her sister.
I wondered if anyone noticed these scenes. Sitting beside me was my sister in law, a mother of 4 wonderful boys, then in front of me my mother in law who had 6 children and next to her my other sister in law who has a beautiful daughter and another one on the way. And I wondered if anyone even realized what was going on.
I know I did.
I'm infertile.
And while I don't know the story of Julia Child's I felt her tears and her sadness as she cried for the baby she never had.
Even now, my heart is overwhelmed with the love I already have for the child we are going to adopt. I dream about her every second of every day. I pray for her and her birth mother and their journey to finding us. I love her beyond any feeling I have ever known and then I wonder does the pain of being infertile ever stop? Will I always notice the baby bump on other women and feel a little sad for myself? Will I see the newborn in his mother's arms and wonder what its like?
I don't know but I do know that God is good. I know that HE knows perfectly the plans HE has made for my life. And while today my empty arms ache for the child I have yet to meet I can relax knowing God has already met her and as we speak she is on her journey to us.
18 comments:
interestingly, this post also ressonates with me, even though I am now pregnant. I guess I still feel "different", singled out mayabe. I know that if I were in the theater watching the movie, I too would pick up on the scene and wonder if anyone else would have noticed it, or noticed me noticing it. It's kinda like Marley & Me. When I read the book, I hadn't gone through my 2 MCs, so the scene where she MCs, I didn't even remember. But when I watched the movie, it was after my MCs, and oh boy, that scene really hit home. I knew exactly how the character felt. I guess we will forever be different due to our unique child-bearing/raising journeys and no, it will never stop. But what I am eternally greatful for, is the fact that I know how blessed I am now to be pregnant and will never EVER take it for granted. Likewise, when you have your baby (adoption or otherwise) you will also cherish it, much more so than I believe either of us would have had we not gone through our journeys.
It is defnitely a healing process. For me, it was a constant prayer that He would put things into perspective and heal any hurt that might be associated with infertility. With time, and your complete surrender to His will, healing will come. Trust me. :)
Bless your heart, I haven't seen that movie but I can imagine what you were feeling and still are when seeing that scene. Your right though, You have a beautiful miracle in the works and before you know it your baby will be here with you and hopefully the pain you feel now will be masked by the happiness of being a parent. No matter how your angel baby got here.
Hugs!
I know what you mean and it doesn't ever stop for me. I think it gets better in time but the lil things we notice is much more then people that have gave birth to a child. Sometime I swear I have "can not have babies" across my forehead! When I run into friends and family its like they are skating on thin ice not to bring up babies or pregnancy around me and that make it even worse when they treat me like a child!
I saw that movie this past weekend and I noticed the look at the baby carriage. When she read that letter and started crying, I started to cry to. I knew that exact pain, to be happy for someone and sad for yourself. Totally there with you girl! I did look up her bio to see what the situation was, it never said that she was infertile but it said she married late in life (34) and that they never had children. So, she was young enough to have them, but it was so long ago that the world of infertility was still very hush-hush. Well, just wanted you to know that I understood :)
I think the fact that you noticed those small parts in the movie just proves how God has set this journey upon your heart. He has brought you this far and he will bring you past all doubts and concerns you have, including those about infertility, adopting, etc.
You are such an inspiration to me. And you are right- God is good. His plan for you is so big and amazing, I am honored to watch it unfold.
Just reading you describe that scene made my eyes a bit teary =(
I'm glad that you are trusting God, he will definitely not let you down. ((Hugs))
I noticed, too...I'm infertile.
I can only imagine how full your heart is thinking about the sweet little girl that will soon be yours...praying for you!
very interesting post. I think the infertile women relaly notice things more than even our wonderful husbands but hopefully our arms wont be empty much longer and well be able to fill them with a beautiful baby:)
I felt the EXACT same way about the movie; you just never know who around you is experiencing the same pain. I just posted about God's goodness in all of this, and then I found your blog. Isn't it so encouraging to know that there are a lot of us in this together?:) I'll be watching your story!
I have not seen the movie yet but I heard about that part. People have no idea how those little things affect a childless couple. You will have your little one soon. I just know it.
Everyone is different, and I cannot speak for others. But I know that once our adopted daughter was placed into my arms (and later our adopted son), I never once felt the pain of my infertility again. It was such a difficult time all those years TTC, but I couldn't conjure up that painful feeling now if I tried. It was like "POOF" gone. Now I thank God for the GIFT of infertility, because without it, I would not have my 2 precious children.
I hear you. But I've come to realize that while we may never know the reason why, we are to trust in Him & his path he laid before us.
You are already such a wonderful Mother for loving your future child. Remember that.
Just found you through Wendy's blog.
It might not ever go away but it does change. There will come a day after your precious child is in your arms that you'll see a pregnant mommy and realize that it doesn't grab you like it used to.
I really need to go see that movie.
I am really worried about that also. I love our baby. I'm worried that even after he is here, I will still feel the pain of seeing a pregnant belly and likewise. I love our son, and I hope that in itself is enough to push away the pain.
hey girl feel free to email me with any questions Ill be happy to answer them:)
amberwallace03@gmail.com
I haven't seen the movie yet, will probably have to wait for it on DVD. But I have heard about these scenes you wrote about.
God has many plans for you. And that plan is for you to be a mommy. He will continue to guide you, heal you and walk beside you.
With my situation, even after having our daughter through adoption, infetility still stings. Just not as much and not as often. God is good...God is great!
I saw those parts too, and I doubt all the talk about Baby W due in Jan. helped much either. For me, anyway, I think it's a case of my heart hurting for you but not knowing what to say.
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