For the first time ever I had a vision today of us staying in Texas and I wasn't to sure about it. Sure it had its perks, my husband has a really good job out here, we could afford a home rather soon and I have made a few friends. But quite frankly I don't like the idea of Texas being " home".
But the thought stayed in my mind. I came home and even looked at some homes online to see what would be in our budget. For a brief ( very brief ) moment I got excited looking at all these beautiful homes that were essentially within reach. I thought about how I would decorate them and paint the walls and everything.
Then I immediately and rather harshly "x"ed out the window on the computer screen. I couldn't look at homes any more. I couldn't think permanency anymore. In fact I couldn't believe I was even looking at the possibility of making Texas a long term place for us to live. Yet I was...
And I don't know if that means God is freeing me from my deep desire to return home to California or if I am just accepting defeat.
Tonight though
I feel defeated...
I feel hopeless...
And I really really want to go home.
3 comments:
Mixed up emotions aren't fun.
We just talked this week about possibly being 'stuck' in CA longer then we expected. Not an easy thought for my TX native hubby to come to terms with.
I couldnt imagine being in another city yet alone another state. You are one tough cookie. You are doing the right thing by standing by your husband and I hope you continue to find more and more happiness out there. I secretly hope you get to come back to Cali though :)
I hear you. Part of the reason we haven't bought a house here in Texas is I feel the same way. Do I want to call Texas home? Even though I was raised here!?! I love having options without feeling caved in, and having a sense of freedom if we just want to pack up & leave.
Don't think of this as being defeated...or losing hope...think of it as God has some plans for you & perhaps that'll include an awesome job waiting for your Hubs back home. {hugs}
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