I struggle to write this post. Because it will sound as if I am depressed, which I am not. It will sound as if I am ungrateful, which I am not. And it may sound like a whole lot of other negative things going on that will be misconstrued, but again it is not.
Its just me being honest, being real and needing a place to vent.
I am so over it. Over this. Over Texas.
I have just literally been over it these last couple weeks. I can't get out of this funk I am in and it almost seems to solidify every day more and more why I am not at home here.
I thrive on relationships real and true honest and loving relationships. I need people to hug me to love me to know me and REALLY care about me. And outside of my husband and Faith I just don't have that out here.
For a while I really thought I was settling into life out here. We even looked at some homes and started talking about preschool and more long term plans out here. But it seemed that instead of getting excited at the thought of buying a home, I found myself sad that I wouldn't be able to have my parents over for dinner in our home. I was sad my best friends wouldn't be able to stop by on a whim to come visit. And the house would be nothing more than 4 walls with some rooms. It wouldn't be a home.
And sometimes its hard because I feel like a failure or a baby even that I don't like it out here being away from my family. I know tons of people who have moved out of state or further and there all doing just fine. Moving on in their lives without mommy and daddy and doing just fine.
But I also realize there situations are different than mine. None of my friends have ever moved away when they had a 10 month old baby at home and were stay at home moms. Most moved away for college which is a totally dfferent situation.
And even if someone has/had a simialr situation to mine its still not the same because my relationship with my family and friends is not the same as anyone elses on this earth. People like to say " walk a day in my shoes" but quite frankly no one could because no 2 situations are exactly alike. So even those who preach to me because they were in similar situations have no idea how I feel.
Its just super super hard lately. I have 9 days til my mom gets here but lately I wonder if I can even make it that far.
I know I can and I will I always do and I remember saying the first day out in Texas " How am I ever going to do this" and here I am 9 months later still doing it and quite frankly doing it well.
Faith is doing wonderful and she is thriving and growing and learning and so smart. She is the best little thing in the whole world and sometimes she is the reminder that I am doing a good job out here. I get up everyday, get dressed go out and do a great job as a mom. I'm far from perfect but I know I am doing my best everyday and I do it all for her. Because no matter how sad and miserable I may be out here she is first and I will always rise to the occasion to give her anything and everything she wants and needs no matter how depressed I may be at times.
So yeah this is my mumble of thoughts in my sad head today.
7 comments:
Sending you a virtual hug! I have no idea how you feel because I have never been through it. You are a strong woman who can express her feelings! I hope your visit with your mom brings wonderful memories.
It's kind of ironic to read this post. I won't tell you that I understand what you are going thorugh but I do get it. I just told Jason the other day on one of our calls that I really am sick and tired of everyone telling me that they know how I feel or they understand because they have been where I have been. That has to be the worst saying for me. Everytime I hear it, I want to scream.
My home is the only thing that keeps me sane right now. It's my safehaven. My kids keep me going. I do what I have to do because of them.
I have been reading you post on FB and I had hoped that things were better for you. It breaks my heart that this is so hard for you. I know how much you love your family and friends and how important they have always been to you.
Don't foget how strong you are. Sometimes its hard to keep that faith going in yourself but I know it's there. And just so you know I believe that being honest needs to happen every now and then =)
im so sorry you are feeling so crappy out there. i wish i had the words to make you feel better but i dont. i am such a family person that i would be feeling the same way if i was in another state. one of my biggest fears is kyle ever wanting to leave because frankly i dont want to go anywhere. hang in there lady, you are doing the best you can and faith is the cutest thing
I'm so sorry you are still struggling with being in Texas. Hope you have a great visit with your mom.
i'm so sorry :( my family is so close and i just can't even imagine being far away from them. i hope there is some way that you are able to move closer! thinking of you!!
You've been on my mind lately, wondering how you're doing. I'm sorry Heather. You need your support people, you need family...I don't blame you. I need the same thing too.
I hope that something works out. A new job in California perhaps, something closer to family...a better relationship with friends?
Also hoping your visit with your Mom is a fabulous one.
New reader....just curious where is home?
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