Feeling Defeated

I seem to be waking up every morning with a feeling of defeat. When we first started trying to have a baby I would wake up every morning excited that we were one day closer to testing and even if my period would start, I would be OK knowing that it meant I had a healthy reproductive system that was doing what God intended it to do and I would wake up the following day slightly disappointed but refreshed for a new day and a new opportunity to conceive a child.

But lately I haven't had that same excitement. I now wake up each morning, feeling that we are one day closer to a negative pregnancy test. Don't get me wrong, there is the part of me inside that wants to rejoice each morning and wants to run and check the calendar to see if its time to test, but that part of me seems to be getting smaller with each passing month.

I know I have to believe in myself and in my body and what it is capable of doing. I have to believe in the Lord that He, in His timing, will fulfill those desires in my heart. I have to continue to have the faith and fight the fight. And I will. I will never quit and never give up on our quest to start a family. I will do my best everyday to fight the feeling of defeat and have the joy of the Lord be my strength. I know that it is my flesh that feels defeated but my heart is not nor will it ever be.

I found a great devotional on just this topic here. My favorite part:

REJOICE ALWAYS

Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" How often are you to rejoice? You know the answer, Always! You are to rejoice always, because "joy" is the easiest fruit to lose. You can't live off of the joy you had yesterday. Joy can give you strength only when you possess it.

If you had joy last week, that joy will not give you strength today. Joy can only give you strength today, if you have it today. This is why you must rejoice always.

You might say, "I don't feel like rejoicing." God didn't say, "Rejoice, only if you feel like it." No! He said, "Rejoice always." Obviously, God knows that you don't feel like rejoicing always. Yet you need to rejoice always because if you don't then you lose the strength to fight.

James 1:2 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds." Pure joy is not happiness. "Happiness" comes from the word "happen." Happiness, therefore, is based on what is happening. If something good is happening, then you are happy. However, God says that pure joy occurs even in the midst of trials--even when the car breaks down, or when the kids get sick, or when the boss cuts your hours, or when your spouse is in a bad mood, etc.

Why is James telling us to count it pure joy whenever we face trials? Because joy gives you strength to fight your trials, and if you'll fight the trials, you will overcome. James continues, "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (v. 4). You see, James has in mind "victory over trials", not "acceptance of his trials." So by rejoicing, you overcome your trials.