After over 40 days in one single cycle Aunt Flo has reared her ugly head yet again. I love how each month I say " Oh I am definitely pregnant. The 18 tests I took must have all been wrong" Yet obviously month after month they are indeed right.
I am so scared that IVF is growing dangerously closer. My heart and my head have so many things going through them. One of course is do IVF. Yes, it's expensive but I can get back into being a waitress make some extra money and once we have a baby I'm sure we will never think of the fact that we spent that child's college fund just to conceive him or her. All those stressful thoughts about finances and IVF will be gone once we experience that joy of seeing our baby for the first time. Plus I could name at least 4-5 fellow IF bloggers who got found out they were pregnant this month from IVF. Two though, is I really feel the Lord might be leading us to adoption. We are 110% incredibly happy if that is the Lord's way to make us parents. My husband and I have always said we would adopt one day. We never thought it would be our first child that we adopt but none the less when God calls, we answer. We have just seen a number of random small hints around us when it comes to adoption. On Easter Sunday I saw at least two families with adopted babies, my heart just felt so happy and full of joy for them. Then after church, our wonderful friend whom we went to church with, ran into a friend of hers who runs the Crisis Pregnancy center in the next town. I checked out their website, just because I didn't really know who they were and something in it just made me think of the babies who are saved because of this center ( the center is pro-life and mainly helps women who want to carry the baby to term) and how maybe, just maybe, God is calling us to save one of those babies as well, just obviously in a different way. I guess with adoption I just think of all the fear stories. Those that waited three years to adopt only to have the birth mother change her mind last minute. I don't think I could ever handle that. But I guess IVF in and of itself has similar ups and downs, waiting games, and sometimes disappointments.
The other thing about this 40 day cycle is I had grown accustomed to knowing exactly everything about my cycle. I knew how many follicles I had and what size they were, I knew how thick the lining of my uterus was, I knew that when I have myself the shot that we should be getting busy, and I knew everything. I knew exactly when to expect my next AF to arrive and all this not knowing is driving me crazy! It was so nice to have a "normal" menstrual cycle and now I'm back to where I started, cycling anywhere from 28-43 days.
I am mad. I am mad at insurance for not covering anything fertility related. I am mad that IVF costs so much. I am mad that the pharmaceutical companies charge an arm and a leg for meds. I am mad at so many things but if I listed them I would sound like a horrible person so instead I'll just scream it out in my pillow!
But in all honesty, I do feel incredibly blessed. I'm married to the greatest man on earth. He not only did 2 loads of laundry today ( folded and put away) but also got my cup of coffee ready for me this morning and just finished making banana bread.
I refuse to let infertility beat me. One way or another Hubby and I will one day become a Mommy and Daddy.
I am so scared that IVF is growing dangerously closer. My heart and my head have so many things going through them. One of course is do IVF. Yes, it's expensive but I can get back into being a waitress make some extra money and once we have a baby I'm sure we will never think of the fact that we spent that child's college fund just to conceive him or her. All those stressful thoughts about finances and IVF will be gone once we experience that joy of seeing our baby for the first time. Plus I could name at least 4-5 fellow IF bloggers who got found out they were pregnant this month from IVF. Two though, is I really feel the Lord might be leading us to adoption. We are 110% incredibly happy if that is the Lord's way to make us parents. My husband and I have always said we would adopt one day. We never thought it would be our first child that we adopt but none the less when God calls, we answer. We have just seen a number of random small hints around us when it comes to adoption. On Easter Sunday I saw at least two families with adopted babies, my heart just felt so happy and full of joy for them. Then after church, our wonderful friend whom we went to church with, ran into a friend of hers who runs the Crisis Pregnancy center in the next town. I checked out their website, just because I didn't really know who they were and something in it just made me think of the babies who are saved because of this center ( the center is pro-life and mainly helps women who want to carry the baby to term) and how maybe, just maybe, God is calling us to save one of those babies as well, just obviously in a different way. I guess with adoption I just think of all the fear stories. Those that waited three years to adopt only to have the birth mother change her mind last minute. I don't think I could ever handle that. But I guess IVF in and of itself has similar ups and downs, waiting games, and sometimes disappointments.
The other thing about this 40 day cycle is I had grown accustomed to knowing exactly everything about my cycle. I knew how many follicles I had and what size they were, I knew how thick the lining of my uterus was, I knew that when I have myself the shot that we should be getting busy, and I knew everything. I knew exactly when to expect my next AF to arrive and all this not knowing is driving me crazy! It was so nice to have a "normal" menstrual cycle and now I'm back to where I started, cycling anywhere from 28-43 days.
I am mad. I am mad at insurance for not covering anything fertility related. I am mad that IVF costs so much. I am mad that the pharmaceutical companies charge an arm and a leg for meds. I am mad at so many things but if I listed them I would sound like a horrible person so instead I'll just scream it out in my pillow!
But in all honesty, I do feel incredibly blessed. I'm married to the greatest man on earth. He not only did 2 loads of laundry today ( folded and put away) but also got my cup of coffee ready for me this morning and just finished making banana bread.
I refuse to let infertility beat me. One way or another Hubby and I will one day become a Mommy and Daddy.
5 comments:
"I refuse to let infertility beat me"
This is perfect! Its so easy to let infertility take control of your life. You obviously are thinking of all your options and are willing to try anything for you to have your family.
((hugs))
I also like that quote- I refuse to let infertility beat me. Im making that my new mantra :)
I'll be praying for you guys as you make the decision between IVF or adoption. Can't wait to hear more about your journey! :)
Sorry AF showed up! Always a bummer... well more like absolute heartbreak.
We're about to try insemination... but it's hard at first to take that next step. You're mad b/c you have to... mad that it can't be easy like it is for so many others... then sad b/c it isn't. Such a vicious cycle!
Man, can I just say that sucks!??!!
I'm just reminded how God loves us so much, even though we are adopted into His family. A child would be soooo blessed to have you and Greg as parents. (Whether they be biological or adoptive). I couldn't imagine anyone loving them more. xoxo
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