I don't write a lot about our relationship with Faith birth mom on here. I guess its personal to us and private but I also know reading others experiences with open adoption helps me so maybe me little post can help someone else as well!
So fear, guilt, and love. My stages of our relationship with Faith birth mother. How about I call her Star because she was and is our shining star who helped lead us to our daughter.
So when we first got the call that Faith was born and we had been chosen we were told that Star hadn't wanted to meet us or see us and in fact hadn't seen the baby. That's why they didn't know boy or girl or anything when the agency called. So we were under the assumption it would be completely closed adoption.
When we got to the hospital we did not meet Star. We did however meet her mom who was a wonderful woman who congratulated us. We small talked for a few minutes and were on our way to meet our daughter.
The whole time in the hospital felt so odd. An amazing woman in another room not to far from ours had just given birth and here we were caring for her baby. It was odd specially when each nurse would ask us questions about Star when we had no answers. We felt so incredibly connected to this woman we had never met.
About 2 weeks after Faith was home we got a call from the agency that Star wanted to talk to us.
Fear set in.
Was she remorseful? Did she want Faith back? ( Legally she couldn't but you know how fear is, its make the irrational things seem realistic) Did she wish she chose another couple? Why did she suddenly want to talk to us?
All these fears were ridiculous. My phone call with Star was the most wonderful 2 and a half hours ever. I learned about her, she learned about us and we talked about how we wanted our relationship to be. I realized she simply wanted to talk to us to know that we are real people who love the baby girl she gave birth too. She wanted to know we loved Faith and she wanted to have some reassurance that she made the right decision.
I hope and think we have her that.
Then the guilt set in. This wonderful woman was sad. My brightest days, were her darkest. As much as I think the phone call helped her I could also hear the sadness in her voice as she gently asked questions about Faith. My heart felt so guilty that we had been blessed with such a perfect daughter when that same daughter is the one she placed with us.
I deal with the guilt a lot. Random moments of everyday I think about Star. I wonder what she is doing and if she's thinking about us. I anxiously check my emails wondering if she wrote and curious to learn more about her. I wonder how her day is and how everyone else in her family is doing as well. I wonder her hopes and dreams for the future and where she sees herself in the next 5 years.
And this is where it all turns to love. We love Star. She is such an important part of our lives, of Faith's life and we love the relationship we have with her. We email numerous times through the week, we send pictures, and just recently have been learning more about one another families. Its a beautiful beautiful thing.
In fact she recently wrote us the most beautiful line I have ever read from her
" its whatever you want, your her parents. it should be special for all three of you :) "
And with that I fell more in love with Star than I have ever been.
I don't know what the future holds for all of us. But our families are forever connected by this beautiful amazing precious miracle of a baby girl. Maybe we'll meet one day, maybe we won't. But whatever may be we are so grateful to have Star as a beautiful amazing woman in our lives. We love her and think about her more than she will ever know.
So fear, guilt, and love. My stages of our relationship with Faith birth mother. How about I call her Star because she was and is our shining star who helped lead us to our daughter.
So when we first got the call that Faith was born and we had been chosen we were told that Star hadn't wanted to meet us or see us and in fact hadn't seen the baby. That's why they didn't know boy or girl or anything when the agency called. So we were under the assumption it would be completely closed adoption.
When we got to the hospital we did not meet Star. We did however meet her mom who was a wonderful woman who congratulated us. We small talked for a few minutes and were on our way to meet our daughter.
The whole time in the hospital felt so odd. An amazing woman in another room not to far from ours had just given birth and here we were caring for her baby. It was odd specially when each nurse would ask us questions about Star when we had no answers. We felt so incredibly connected to this woman we had never met.
About 2 weeks after Faith was home we got a call from the agency that Star wanted to talk to us.
Fear set in.
Was she remorseful? Did she want Faith back? ( Legally she couldn't but you know how fear is, its make the irrational things seem realistic) Did she wish she chose another couple? Why did she suddenly want to talk to us?
All these fears were ridiculous. My phone call with Star was the most wonderful 2 and a half hours ever. I learned about her, she learned about us and we talked about how we wanted our relationship to be. I realized she simply wanted to talk to us to know that we are real people who love the baby girl she gave birth too. She wanted to know we loved Faith and she wanted to have some reassurance that she made the right decision.
I hope and think we have her that.
Then the guilt set in. This wonderful woman was sad. My brightest days, were her darkest. As much as I think the phone call helped her I could also hear the sadness in her voice as she gently asked questions about Faith. My heart felt so guilty that we had been blessed with such a perfect daughter when that same daughter is the one she placed with us.
I deal with the guilt a lot. Random moments of everyday I think about Star. I wonder what she is doing and if she's thinking about us. I anxiously check my emails wondering if she wrote and curious to learn more about her. I wonder how her day is and how everyone else in her family is doing as well. I wonder her hopes and dreams for the future and where she sees herself in the next 5 years.
And this is where it all turns to love. We love Star. She is such an important part of our lives, of Faith's life and we love the relationship we have with her. We email numerous times through the week, we send pictures, and just recently have been learning more about one another families. Its a beautiful beautiful thing.
In fact she recently wrote us the most beautiful line I have ever read from her
" its whatever you want, your her parents. it should be special for all three of you :) "
And with that I fell more in love with Star than I have ever been.
I don't know what the future holds for all of us. But our families are forever connected by this beautiful amazing precious miracle of a baby girl. Maybe we'll meet one day, maybe we won't. But whatever may be we are so grateful to have Star as a beautiful amazing woman in our lives. We love her and think about her more than she will ever know.
9 comments:
I love reading about your experience with your adoptive daughter. Being that I am adopted, I love hearing your journey, as every womens is different. Do not feel guilty for any of your feelings. As Faith grows into a gorgeous, caring, understanding young lady, she will realize how blessed she is. I couldn't be more grateful for the family that I have. The love that I have for my birth mother *even though I have never met her* and for my adopted mom, who is my MOMMY, and always will be. As a 27 year old, there isn't a birthday that has gone by since I can remember, where I don't think to myself "I wonder if my mom birth mom remembers its my day"; and I know that she is probably thinking "this is the day I gave birth to a little girl, and gave her the precious gift of life, and brought joy to a loving couple". You are so strong and I look forward to each of your posts, to see how everything is going. God Bless.
You summed it up. Fear, gulit and love. Those are such true feelings. I can't wait to meet you so we can talk (in person) about our roles as mommies and adoption!
This post made my eyes fill with tears. It just shows what a special person you are. It just shows what God has done for your beautiful little girl and that not all adoptions are because the birth parent is a bad person or is in prison. This women seems like such a wonderful person who did what was best for her child by placing her in your arms forever. What a selfless act she did. I want to cry for her, I can only imagine the pain she feels. But I know just from reading your feelings for Star that she is secure in her decision to give her baby to such wonderful people as you guys. You truly love Faith and anyone connected to her being here. I'm so proud of you for your strength in everything. You are a role model to us all.
Awww, so special. I love hearing about it. Thanks for sharing!
You have such a kind heart. This was such a sweet post, probably one of my favorites. Thanks for sharing with us!
Thanks for sharing this!!! Beautiful!
This post filled my eyes with tears! I love the nickname star-very fitting! Faith is one lucky little girl. She has two beautiful woman who love her dearly.
I have also felt guilt because I've been given so much hope since we decided to adopt but like you said...it is hard not to have the feelings of guilt because like you said: "My brightest days, were her darkest."
You've won a Lemonande Stand Award! The award recognizes blogs with the exemplify a positive attitude and gratitue, and yours, Heather, certainly qualifies!
Jenny
www.bloggingboutboys.blogspot.com
I just wanted to let you know that I moved my public blog to this address:
plaidwithpolkadotstoo dot blogspot dot com
Hope all is well!
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